“I want milk! Give me milk!” I almost move toward the fridge. Why spoil my evening over the omission of a single nicety? Why get hung up on the impatient, demanding tone? Perhaps he’s just tired. Maybe he had a hard day at school. His pediatrician recommended milk anyway.
This is the perpetually recurring test of parenting: choosing between being a friend in the present versus being a realistic stand-in for the harsh judgement of society in the future.
At any given moment, being a friend is no doubt the path of least resistance. The “peace” is maintained. My train of thought isn’t disturbed. Escalation that would require me to dig deeper into my parenting skills toolbox is avoided. And, best of all, I remain off my son’s “enemies” list! But, by doing this, what am I really choosing for him? How will the effects of my decision, compounded over time, play out with others he encounters.
Life is fundamentally cooperative. Many activities, from playing sports to performing in the workplace, might seem superficially competitive. After all, in any properly functioning game or workplace, we are competing to progress within a hierarchy of competence. But consider what lies beneath. Layer upon layer of cooperation. Whatever the game, all of the players agree to the rules; agree to the specific requirements of the game (equipment, specialized knowledge and training, etc.); agree that in principle the game is structured around a hierarchy of competence; agree to what constitutes competence and progress toward the goal.
At this level, social skill—the ability to effectively choose our words and actions—is the essential currency for success. It is the element that ensures that we are always invited to play and that determines whether or not those around us want, and will facilitate, our success.
I consider his future. I consider the price I paid for failure to internalize this lesson early in life. I calmly turn, look him in the eye, and wait. “I want milk… please.” “Thank you for asking nicely,” I say, as I move toward the fridge, playing out in my mind the next moves I may have had to make in this long-term game of parenting chess.
Deliberative Dad 